Chewy nuggets, vol.1

There is an uncanny ability that develops when you become a parent. You start to use internal ears. I know this is often the spirit of the Lover whispering to me. "You should go check on him, he's real quiet" or "what if he were to get into..." and sure enough, when I listen, 99.9% of the time the voice was right. Last night, it was very eerie as I thought about what has become a "natural" thing. I was thinking in the night that Ivan was crying, but when I came awake and listened with my physical ears, I couldn't hear anything... still, internally, I could hear his cry. I just knew he was crying. After waiting a while, his cries got loud enough for my auditory sensors to pick up and then I could actually hear him with my ears. This happened repeatedly through the night (he's teething again) and I kept thinking, is that really crying, my ears don't hear anything, but inside, I hear it!

We hear important messages all the time. I'm sure you've heard the myriad of stories always surrounding tragedies, like the man who didn't want to get on one of the 9/11 planes that eventually crashed. Other messages are more subtle, but just as profound. I've encountered some personal messages to me that have challenged me deep in my core, so I thought I'd share them as they come.

The first is from the character Yoda, in Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith. Anakin has this deep inner struggle, wanting to do what is right and not wanting to lose the love of his life. He goes to Yoda for advice. Yoda explains that "the fear of loss is a path to the dark side" (only he says it something like, a path to the dark side, fear of loss it is). "Then what do I do?" Anakin laments. "Learn to discipline yourself to let go of that which you fear losing". This is so profound, so deep and so critical. As a parent, the first thing that hit us was, "what if something happened to him?" Every car looked like a bullet and I feared his sleeping, wanting to hear every breath. But fear is a noose around your neck that will strangle out life.

There is balance, I must fight for my loved ones knowing my rights as a friend of the Lover, but also knowing that Ivan is not mine. Time is not mine. I do not own our destiny. I must accept and let go and even rejoice in the tragedies, knowing that this is not the end of the story. There is a greater story being played out, one of love, giving, surrender, ultimate sacrifices and final victories. While my chapter is vitally important, especially to me, it is but a small chip in the big scheme of things. When fear tries to creep in, I can reverse it, be free of it and throw it away by letting go, saying, "not what I want, or what I think should happen, but what is according to the way of the Spirit" I know this will be a lifelong endeavor, one of those dreaded PROCESS things. (I hate process, unless it's a fun adventure and not the dying to self stuff). I like instant results and satisfaction, but process is often the truly important part.

The ultimate Jedi would give up his home, his loves, his comforts, his desires and his life willingly for others, sacrificially for the good. Thank you Lover, a friend before I ever knew, may I walk in your path and may the Force be strong in me!!