Bungee cords, 3rd arm and improved tear ducts

Don't get me wrong. I think God did a wonderful job with the designing side of things, but now that I have insider knowledge of parenthood, I've discovered a few things that could improve the mothering experience.

All toddlers need bungee cords or some kind of rubber buffer around their body. As you know, Ivan is learning to walk. What some of you may not know is that this is not the dangerous part. Learning to walk has not caused any injuries, dramatic falls or alarming situations (for us anyways). However, as Ivan ventures forward in his mobility, he has become even more fascinated in venturing upward. Falling 1 foot unto a padded bottom, cushioned in a diaper, at times supplemented with various waste provides a comparatively soft landing. But recently, Brian came back into a room to find Ivan standing in his stoller, reaching over the top to get a water bottle over 3 feet off the ground. We can only imagine what could have happened if the stroller tilted back or if he fell through the top! Ivan has also mastered tunnels on the playground as well as climbing up steps. So I'm following him up some big steps and suddenly he dives face first down a tunnel slide. I quickly dove in after him, catching his feet, but not keeping him from doing a face plant down most of the slide. I've gone down slides with Ivan before, but always with us together going feet first. This was altogether different, filled with terrified screams and pain. If there were magical bungee cords, some kind of buffer zone or no gravity, this would not be such a great problem. On the other hand, maybe I just need to invent the full body covering diaper- provides padding and easy clean-up too!

Along the same lines, our tear ducts should coordinate with our pain sensors. When both are activated, our tears should turn into hydrogen peroxide when it hits air. This would be extremely useful. Ivan came home with a scratch and I had a raw patch of skin that both needed treatment at the park, but you can hardly find clean water out there, yet alone a medical kit! Actually, now that I think of it I probably have something in the car. But wouldn't it be handy if we could make our own?

My third idea is a little unconventional, but since Ivan was about 2 minutes old, I've discovered that moms should really have another arm grow at their first child's birth. It could weaken and fall off with diminished use, but it sure would be useful for a long time- like 18 years or so.