Fatherhood 4- Not the momma!

Did you see that show, the Dinosaurs? The wife and mother, Fran was lovingly called “momma” by the dinosaur infant, however, the baby’s name for his dad was “not the momma”. It was hilarious, and shows a lot of truth. Ivan often has meltdowns (ok, always has meltdowns), when I leave the house without him. But he’s also done this with his dad a few times. The other day, Brian was caring for Ivan and said he actually called for HIM when he got hurt. Due to the natural bond the mother and child forms, one would think the dad is not as tightly linked to the mix, but this is not so.

It doesn’t take long to notice that Ivan is mesmerized by his daddy. He imitates him, wants to be around him, wants to be like him and copies his every action. Ivan has taken to wearing his sunglasses and hat when he goes out, not because he likes them (you can tell they irritate him and he’s not comfortable with them yet), but his dad always wears them, so Ivan wants to too.

"the face of that father,
Still warm with the mystery of lather.
They are more fathers than sons themselves now.
Something is filling them, something

That is like the twilight sound
Of the crickets, immense"

Donald Justice (b. 1925), U.S. poet

Many of the quotes I found talked about the mystery of the father. Mothers are more present in many cases, and the fathers become this enthralling figure to discover and know more deeply. We need both.

Brian and I were witnesses once to a situation that showed us how father and mother can come together and create a good balance in the home. A toddler had fallen and cut her mouth (baby’s first blood). The mom was hysterical and really losing it. The dad stepped in and brought peace and a healthy dose of reality to the minor episode that was being unreasonably escalated by the mom.

Brian brings wholeness, balance and excitement to my parenting. While I may over coddle, Ivan will listen to daddy (thank goodness). Where I’m too loose, he’s more restricting, where he’s too controlling, I’m more allowing and yet we can come together and say we are a team and move somehow in the same direction in a most beautiful linked dance of parenting. (At least that’s what we strive for). Love and strength, familiarity and unfolding mysteries, it takes a little bit of all to make this world vibrant and beautiful, to fill our homes with wholeness and the delicious adventure of living.

The above quote also reminds me what an enthralling discovery it is to watch my husband go from who I’ve always known him to be to involved and caring dad. Each day as we both discover how to parent, I get to watch Brian learn, grow, stretch and delight in this challenge and joy before us.

I realized the day Ivan was born as tears flooded Brian’s eyes, that he loves our son as much as I do. Now I get front row seats as I watch that love transform not just one, but two people, both the son and the father. No, he’s not the momma and does not parent like I do, and that’s a good thing.