My nephew in heaven

How can I take words to express the grief, the pain, the turmoil in our hearts at this time? My sister called Wednesday morning to tell me that they had lost their baby. She still had to deliver him, which took an agonizingly long time (until Thurs. afternoon). When I first heard of our loss, I wanted the world to stop and for us all to get off. I didn't want to play anymore. Then I turned to denial and hope, that there was a mistake, that his heart would beat again, that somehow, someway he would be born crying. My sister was amazing. She pushed, while grieving and managed to deliver a 10lbs 3oz son, without having to resort to a c-section. They named him Gordon Hector, after grandfathers on both sides. Jenn is at home now, with John and their sorrow as well as their victories.

I say victories because even in the midst of all this fresh pain, she is finding reasons to be thankful, ways to love and overcome and keep living one day at a time. While I didn't get to see my nephew, or hold him, or whisper in his ear, or tickle his little (ok, not so little) baby feet, he is a part of me, of us, of our family. Time may dull some of the ache, but not all of it. He will always be the desires of our hearts although we have to learn to live with him away from us for some time. I told Jenn that Gordon is very real to me. He is as real to me as my grandmother is. I never had the chance to meet her, talk with her, hug or kiss her, but sometimes I think of her. I can see her looking down on us, cheering us on, loving and challenging us to live better and more fully.

Gordon, what would he tell us? The Lover said "let the little children come to me for theirs is the kingdom of heaven". Psalms says that out of the mouths of infants and babes, he has brought forth praise". I think Gordon's messages to us will be pure, innocent and full of the beauty of heaven. He did not taste of the horrors of earth, he did not see the vileness or devastation. He was loved and cherished. I know he understood that and felt it in the womb. In some ways, I think it would have been easier to lose him earlier on in the pregnancy, because that is more common. Gordon was so close to being among us. But I have read about research that shows that the young child can recall sounds and experiences from those final months. He heard his mom and dad's voices- and somehow I know that he knew all of our love for him, our expectancy, our joys in who he was and is. He managed to escape the trauma of birthing and was swept into the glory from which he came. I am so very glad Jennifer and John had him, that they loved and carried him in her body and in their hearts. Because now I have a nephew to love as well.

Saskatchewan is far away and in some ways heaven is farther, because I can't drive or fly or walk there. But in so many ways heaven is nearer than Saskatoon. Heaven is in my heart and a part of me is also in heaven. Colossians 3:1-4 says: "Since, then you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden in Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." All of us are as near to death as our next breath. We don't have any guarantees, we don't know our day or hour of leaving this earth. It did not even occur to me earlier this week, that losing my nephew so quickly was even a possibility. But I can not change what has happened. I can only live for today and live more fully in the realm of eternal mysteries.

My entire being aches with our loss. My heart is broken, my eyes weep, my mind cries out, my arms are filled with longing. I can not understand, nor do I attempt to comprehend the ins and outs of such loss. And while I can not bring peace to Jenn and John, I can not change their path through grief or reverse the outcome of this birth, I offer them my love, my shared sorrow, my friendship and prayers. May you overcome. May you rise above. May you love and live and find the peace that passes understanding, the delicate healing touch of the Holy Spirit, the wonderful transfer of grief to joy. I know the road is and will continue to be difficult, but may He who weeps, He who knows, He who loves, He who resurrects guide you, direct you and hold you close as you travel through the chaos into heavenly places, blessings and people.

Gordon Hector Wallace- we love you and will always love you. We welcome you into our family. You will always have your place in our hearts. We are sorry we didn't have a chance to know you better this side of heaven, but look forward to all of eternity together. When the days and the grief seem to stretch out before us without end in sight, may we recall just how fleeting this life is, that our real home is in eternity and how very close you are.